Partnership with HP
I have previously in this blog and then in my recent book (Food was the Symptom, Not the Problem) talked over and over about recovery for me as being learning new ways of coping with life so I don’t need to use food for escape or comfort. The guts of that process for me was, and is, Steps Four through Seven.
To summarize everything you’re about to read: I identify the shortcoming in Steps Four and Five. I identify the solution in Steps Six and Seven. I then start practicing the solution every day until the shortcoming is not a shortcoming anymore. Higher Power helps me, but it’s me that does the work to change.
I’m going to focus on Steps Six and Seven in this posting. My modified reading of the two: Were entirely ready to have God help me remove all this self-destructive behavior and thinking. Were entirely ready to have God help me change the thoughts, words, and actions that keep me in conflict with myself and others and thus enable my food obsession. Humbly ask God to help me change what needs to be changed.
If nothing changes, nothing changes. If I don’t change what I eat, I will physically stay the same. If I don’t change how I think, I will continue to feel like I’ve always felt. If I don’t change my behavior, I will always get what I’ve always gotten.
How willing am I to change, really? Do I just want the symptoms removed while hanging on to the defects themselves? Do I want to be thin while eating whatever I want? Every character defect seems to be some sort of coping mechanism. There is some sort of gain – real or imagined- from my behavior or thinking. Why am I holding on to some defect? What good or bad am I getting from it? For example:
Overworking: Overworking is compensating for my insecurities. It gets me strokes from my boss. It an also be escape from unpleasant things outside work.
Controlling: Writing the script in my head for the way things should go or ought to go. I do this because of my fears, insecurities and low self-esteem. Somehow it’s better when it comes out according to my script. It gives me a feeling of control. In reality the behavior doesn’t do anything for me except keep me angry, tense, agitated and anxious all the time because no one is following my script.
Fear/shyness: This helps me avoid situations where I might be criticized or look less than great – but also keeps me from experiencing life to the fullest, from being all that I can be, from going after my dreams. Life is to be lived, not simply endured.
Judging others: Doing this all the time affirms my superiority, strokes my own ego, but keeps me isolated and apart.
Blaming others. Blaming others for my feelings and behavior is a very convenient way to avoid looking at my part, but also keeps me in conflict and not taking responsibility for my own feelings. My victim mentality will keep me miserable forever if I don’t let it go.
Omission: Not addressing what needs to be addressed allows me to avoid the sensitive.
Self-centeredness: This is my excessive concern about what others think of me – a hypersensitivity to what’s going on around me and how it affects me, me, me. It does nothing positive. It just gives everyone power over me.
Resentment: This doesn’t do a damn thing for me except keep me in upheaval. It seldom hurts the people I resent.
Perfectionism: Perfectionism is a derivative of fear. It may get me some strokes sometimes for my achievements, but in the long term it simply sets up standards impossible for me to meet, thereby dooming me to always feel less than. I’m chasing external applause because I can’t get internal applause.
Depression: What appears to be depression sometimes – not always – can be a defense mechanism, a choice. Choosing to depress can be a way of keeping anger under control, asking for help without begging, excusing my unwillingness to do something I need to do because I’m afraid to do it.
Am I willing to change as Step 6 says? Am I completely willing to recognize my shortcomings and change? I made a commitment in Step 3 to open my mind to new ways through completing this Twelve-Step process. If I’m not ready to step into the darkness of growth and new ways, I may need to revisit that Step Three surrender to the Steps. Change is not easy, but it’s do’able. Is it up to me to overpower the defects, to overpower bad with good? No, but it is up to me to cooperate and take the actions. I must cooperate. I must show HP I’m willing. I need to put myself in the place to receive the miracle. God won’t do for me what I can do for myself. He’ll do what I can’t do for myself…if I’m willing.
The OA 12&12 notes on page 47, “Being entirely ready means that we firmly turn our backs on the old self-destructive behaviors and live by the principles embodied in the Twelve Steps. Trying to practice the new thinking and behaviors to the best of our ability shows our true willingness to change. It also notes on page 54, “…if we persist in visualizing and practicing better ways of life, they will, with our Higher Power’s help, eventually become second nature.” And one last quote from page 56, “Repeated practice of Step Seven enables us to form a working partnership with our Higher Power through which we are relieved of the defects that have blocked our effectiveness in the world.”
I believe that to get a miracle I need to put myself in the position to receive one. I demonstrate my willingness to change by practicing living in the solutions. By showing God my willingness to believe in a certain way, I am changed. The fact is, I become how I behave. I act my way into right thinking, with God’s help, rather than think my way into right acting.
I show God I’m really wiling to change by trying to live in the way I’m asking God to help me live. I don’t just pray, ‘Please take away the resentment and fear.’ Instead I ask God to help me be forgiving, help me to be accepting, help me to have courage to face life. For example, I say the Seventh Step prayer from the Big Book every day. I often add at the end, “Specifically, God, help me today to live in faith, acceptance, surrender, trust, and usefulness rather than my disability and chronic pain-driven sadness and worry about the future.” I focus on solutions as much as possible rather than problems. Remember what the Big Book (page 419) says about focusing on solutions rather than problems.
St. Francis De Salle famously said, “You learn to speak by speaking, to run by running, to work by working. In just the same way, you learn to love by loving.” From my perspective that means I learn to stop overeating by stopping overeating; I learn to work the program by working the program; I learn to be a different person by being a different person; I act my way into right thinking, not think my way into right acting. I eventually become that new person.
Yes, ultimately, it’s God that heals – not me. But I must show my willingness to be healed and changed by practicing the new ways to the best of my ability. For example, instead of intolerance, practice tolerance; instead of judging, practice acceptance and forgiveness; instead of phoniness, practice self-honesty and integrity; instead of false pride, practice humility; instead of blaming, practice accountability; instead of selfishness, practice being considerate.
Everyone has probably heard the Two Wolves story, but I’ll close with it anyway.
One evening a wise Grandfather in the mountains of Montana told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between 2 ‘wolves’ inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, greed, arrogance, resentment, dishonesty, and false pride. The other is Good. It is love, hope, humility, kindness, compassion, benevolence, empathy, generosity, and honesty.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?”
The wise grandfather simply replied, “The one you feed.”
doncoa 
I l appreciate to your posts and recently ordered your book. Looking forward to reading it
Best Regards
*Bonnie Growe *
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